Friday, May 19, 2006


Preposterous. That is my one word review of Ron Howard's "The DaVinci Code."

DaVinci Code. Ha! Dan Brown. Indeed. He should be called Dan Clown.

I'm not saying it's preposterous because of the premise behind Jesus or Mary Magdalene or anything like that. I'm saying that it's preposterous as a film. I'm going to ruin the film for you in this review, but the movie wasn't that good so I'm sure it won't be a big deal. I also never read the book, either, so... meh... This film was the heart of mediocrity.


Preposterous thing #1: Why did Ian McKellan have to get Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou to work with him at gunpoint midway through his scenes in the film? His motives were exactly the same as before, their motives were exactly the same as before. When he was their friend, he wanted to solve the mystery with them. Suddenly he has a gun and he... wants to solve the mystery with them... And Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou want to solve the mystery with him, until he tells them forcefully and points a gun...

Preposterous thing #2: Why was Tom Hanks in this movie? There was nothing remarkable or extraordinary in it that required Tom Hanks. It could have been anyone. Literally any 45-50 year old male with a pulse could have played the part capably.

Preposterous thing #3: Things were too coincidental and easy a lot of the time. Jean Reno's character has a hard-on for Tom Hanks. Why? Because his Bishop told him to. It was that simple. Where is the map to find Mary Magdalene? Why, it was published in Tom Hanks' book. Who could possibly be the heir to Christ? Perhaps the only female in the movie. The movie was generally simple and predictable.

Preposterous thing #4: It seemed as though this movie was supposed to be a revelation about religion. But anyone with half a brain knows about things like the Council in Nicea and how there was no consensus about Jesus and his works until three-hundred years later. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that there are gospels of the same vintage with wildly conflicting accounts about Jesus (Job's is stirring up some controversy right now.) Every line was delivered as though it was supposed to blow your mind, but nothing really did. It was, at best, mildly interesting.

At the end of the day, the movie taught me two things that I already knew:

First thing I already knew: "It doesn't matter whether or not Jesus was real. What he had to say was what was important, whether he said it or not.


Second thing I already knew: "Every man is on a quest for the Holy Grail. The Holy Grail is Vagina."

(Having not read the book, I'm going to make an assumption: I think the reason the book was a runaway bestseller was the fact that it was smart enough for dumb people to follow along and feel like they had a hand in solving the mystery. Sadly, the movie puts you one step ahead of the characters to the point that everything feels tedious.)


Steven Greenstreet said...

Bryan, this is my favorite movie review of yours. I was laughing out loud. I haven't read the book or seen the movie, but I'm seeing it with Kristi tomorrow. I'm sure I'll share in your opinion after the fact.

Remember when Ron Fucking Howard beat out Peter Jackson?

Favorite quote of yours:

"Every man is on a quest for the Holy Grail. The Holy Grail is Vagina."


Peter said...

I can see why the book is a bestseller. It's a cliche page-turner, and it incorporates the human Seek and Reward mechanism. You're right. It makes people feel smart.

As literature, the book sucks ass. It SUCKS. I thought the film might be somewhat interesting. I was more than wrong. Nothing exciting about the movie. I felt like the actors woke up, fell out of their trailers, delivered their lines, and went back to bed.

Audrey's English sounds like Zhang Ziyi's in Geisha -- exactly how the English vocal coach wanted her to sound, from a pronunciation perspective -- but with no real ownership of the words.

What a ridiculous waste of time for all people involved.

The movie will probably make between $50-$80 million this weekend, though. Won't it?

Anonymous said...

I never said it would be easy,
I never said it would be worth it,
I only said I have a peptic ulcer.

Vic said...

I simply cannot believe how much money this film has made considering the thrashing it's gotten across the board by critics.

My only hope is that the "must-see-it" crowd came out this weekend and was disappointed by it and we'll see a +50% drop in box office next weekend.


Dempsy said...

Ron Howard has been kickin' A$$ in Hollywood and television for way longer than Pedro Jackson. Jackson's movies are all into special effects which I guess is cool if you are into that type of thing but plain and simple Tolkien's books kick way more A$$ than Jackson's movies ever could.