Friday, June 15, 2007

Rise of the Silver Surfer


I made the mistake last night of going to see a midnight screening of the crap-tastic Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Why?

You know why. It's because I'm a giant nerd and a glutton for punishment.

This movie was terrible. But it wasn't all bad. The kid who plays Johnny Storm would be amazing if he had a script to work with. His interplay with Ben Grimm was a genuflection of the comic book series as well. And Doug Jones as the Silver Surfer turned in one of the greatest pantomime performances I've ever seen on the screen. I also enjoyed a lot of this film mainly for the fact that it was so God-awful.

But Tim Story, Jessica Alba, the asshole who played Victor Von Doom and the god-damned writers (truly, the writers have a special place in hell reserved for them) need to be keelhauled on a busy Interstate.

Jessica Alba was actually worse than Keira Knightley in a Pirates movie and I was pretty confident that couldn't happen.

The writers and the director deserve to keelhauled because of how they deal with villains. Because they don't do it well. Galactus wasn't exactly a storm cloud as early reports led everyone to believe. He was just shrouded in them. He looked like a giant tornado. Why do this? There is no good reason. If an audience will suspend their disbelief long enough to believe that Galactus can exist in the first place, I'm pretty sure they'd be okay if they saw the iconic Galactus they knew and loved from the comics. And Doom. Doom, doom, doom. Jesus Christ. Never have I seen a character so screwed up on film. Never. I'm so angry about how they deal with Dr. Doom that I'm not even going to write about it.

And the guy who played him was even worse than the treatment of him....

All that aside though, I enjoyed myself seeing the movie, although I did not enjoy the movie itself.

I've heard that J. Michael Straczynski (an admitted fan of This Divided State....) is writing a Silver Surfer spin-off and that should be pretty cool. But if they make another Fantastic Four picture, they better do it sans Alba, Story and their dumb-ass pretty-boy Dr. Doom.

In fact, they should let Elias and I write it.

We couldn't do any worse that's been done.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Finally, someone who agrees with me about how shitty Jessica Alba is. She ruined Sin City for me and obviously is only eye candy for all those nerds out there. I kindof had a feeling that this movie was going to blow, but at least we have Transformers to look forward to right? I look forward to reading your post about that one. Later.
Lindsie Bird

Jess said...

I couldnt agree more with Alba... she is shitty in everything she does and despite what others say, she is NOT hot at all. Her nametag reads "Im a dumbass".

But ya overall the movie sucked. Slightly better than the first.. which REALLY did suck. At the Savannah College of Art and Design Film Festival last fall, one of the people who did the casting for this movie was there and apologized profusely for what happened - but basically said that that was a perfect example of the bean counters and moron producers wanting big names and 'big stars' over people who actually could PLAY an acting role. I wish these morons would realize how bad they screw up things...

But it will never happen. They are just riddled with stupidity and nothing on earth will correct that.

Transformers in a week.. will be saved or doomed yet again?

WTB plot kthxbye!

-Jess