Saturday, November 04, 2006

Vigilante Justice

Tonight I thwarted a band of ne'er-do-wells.

It was fun and awesome.

So, I come to my mom's house with some groceries and a group of kids in big puffy jackets, bandanas and backwards hats and pants hanging down to their knees walks by me. They clearly aren't very smart and I can tell they're up to no good when they stop talking and stop in the middle of the road in front of my mom's house. You can tell they were up to something for sure.

So, I bring the groceries into the house, close the door behind me and look out the window.

Not five seconds later, one of them is racing toward my yard and punts my "Pete Ashdown for Senate" sign the length of the yard.

Instantly, I open the door and shout, "What the fuck do you kids think you're doing?!"

And they scatter.

And I pursue.

There were four of them, but I had the upperhand, I've been doing this type of thing in my mom's neighborhood far longer than they have, so I know all the short cuts and dead ends and which fences I would have jumped, etc. I called the cops en route and kept up the pursuit for a solid fifteen minutes. I lost two of them in the pursuit, they did the smart thing and split up, but I still had two of them in my sights. After hiding in various other yards, they finally come upon their own house, where thier father was waiting for them, cooly smoking a cigarette. I approached him, he asks what's up and I explained to him what happened.

The father told me, "I bet they were with that punk kid who knocked over my mailbox. They are in so much trouble, they know they aren't supposed to be hanging out with that punk. Tell the cops I'd be happy to talk to 'em. I made that kid mow my lawn six times, you can see, my mailbox still isn't straight. Damn punk... That stupid punk kid..."

One of the other kids whom I'd lost showed up at the house a few minutes after that. His dad had a few words for him and started demanding who the fourth kid was, "It was that punk Joey, wasn't it? I told you guys you shouldn't be hangin' around with that punk kid..."

Not two seconds after that, the cops showed up.

He pulled me aside for my side of the story, gave me his card and sent me on my way.

But to be sure, those kids will think twice before kicking over an election sign. Although, if it was me I'd caught I'd be back tonight with eggs, jars of feces and toilet paper...


True story. I know a while ago, the Ashdown campaign wanted pictures or video of people taking signs, but I think I've got something better: a case number.


Steven Greenstreet said...

Ok, I deleted that crap. Sorry about that, Bryan. I forgot that I have obsessive fans.

Joe Vogel said...

When I was a punk kid we once gathered signs from the entire neighborhood at night and put them in one yard. It was my first political statement...