Sunday, October 07, 2007


So this weekend was the Mormon "General Conference" here in Salt Lake City and thousands of Mormons flooded into the enormous Mormon Conference Center to listen to bi-annual justifications for believing the bat shit crazy things they do.

Anyways, my girlfriend's best friend Will and a co-worker, while working at Party America, noticed a gigantic line of women form outside the Deseret Book Store (a Mormon bookstore chain) right next door. The line got so long that it started blocking customers to Party America. Apparently the women in line were reluctant to move out of the way to allow customers to enter due to their excitement which was of fantastic proportion.

Party America customers had to either squeeze through the line or go around them. The Mormons weren't budging. Something big was going down at Deseret Bookstore.

Ok, so Will and his co-worker walk out onto the sidewalk and light up cigarettes for a smoke break and to see what was going on. Apparently, in coordinance with the Holiness of General Conference Weekend, the Mormon bookstore was having a "Ladies Night Blow Out Sale and Raffle" where every lady "got a free wall clock".

Well, the Mormon women were beside themselves for a chance to feel meaning in their lives and began shouting with over zealous anticipation to win a clock or to buy a Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD for 20% off.

Within seconds of lighting their cigarettes, dozens of women in line started "coughing". Some started saying things like "Wow, that stinks!" really loud. After about a minute, one furious woman came up to Will and said, "I don't think you're 25 feet away from the building. So you should move."

Will noticed that 25 feet away was in the pouring rain. "You want us to move into rain?" said the co-worker. "Yes. It's the law." said the absolutely infuriated Mormon chick.

Mystified by this comment, Will and his co-worker extinguished their cigarettes. At this point the entire line of women erupted into thunderous applause and cheers. They continued cheering and whistling as Will and his co-worker went back into their work.

Turning back, they saw a large group of women exit the Deseret Bookstore smiling wide and holding large items over their heads.

They were holding free wall clocks.


Logan said...


When I was a lad I thought that in the event of a complete economic collapse in the U.S. -- Utah would be the place to be, because the priesthood hierarchy would remain in place and we would work together to make sure nobody starved, etc.

Now I have my doubts, to say the least. The Mormon leadership at every level (except the very lowest in SOME rural areas) is now so intertwined with luxury-laden Corporate America, that they cannot survive without it. Hell, they excommunicate people who even talk along these lines.

Bryan said...

So, I had a friend who used to be Mormon and he had done the whole secret temple thing and he told me that one of the secret temple practices was that the Mormons had actually developed a process to create white fabric out of sanctimony and that all of the temple garments are made of this wonder-substance.

I've heard that's the reason why they burn the garments when they're done with them too, so that other religious sects won't be able to get their hands on their "Sanctimonious Cloth Technology."

So, hearing stories like this about pompous, sanctimonious Mormons, my friends story seems to make a lot of sense....

Plain ol' truth said...

I love it when steven embarrasses himself. I guess it makes sense...he must be a little bitter since the Mormon Church excommunicated him.

Steven said...

Plain Ol' Truth,

C'mon that story was funny.

Are you just upset because your wife or sister was one of the "Free Clock" women?

And excommunicated? No, I wasn't excommunicated. But I'd be fine with that. It would be Jesus-Christ-On-A-Popsicle-Stick cool.