Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Transformers Movie

Last night I saw the Transformers movie (not Transformers the Movie) and I was greatly excited to see it, although my expectations were low. I loved the Transformers as a kid and as a teenager, but even as a teenager I always hated Michael Bay.

He's really not that good of a filmmaker, but Transformers is, far and away, his best film.

Having said that, this film really wasn't all that good, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. Which begs the question, "Was it a good movie?"

Elias and I talked briefly about this today. He argued that even though the movie was bad, as long as I enjoyed it, then it had accomplished its mission and was, therefore, a good movie.

"But the writing and 90% of the acting and the handling of the Transformers mythology was all so bad. I just couldn't help enjoying myself during the movie despite all that. The movie was just horrible though." That's what I told him.

"But you liked it."


This is really confusing. I'm as confused by the movie as the movie is confused by itself. It's a horrible movie disguised as a kick ass action film. The script really was silly and stupid but the special effects were astounding. John Voight and Megan Fox are horrible but Shia LaBeouf is the best performer of his generation. The way they treated the original Transformers (their looks, voices, etc.) wasn't that faithful but it all looked really awesome anyway.

I'm conflicted. There was as much awesome as horrible in this film.

But it was entertaining as all hell. To me, anyway. My brother wasn't entertained by it at all and it was because, I think, he forgot to check his brain at the door. This is a Michael Bay film. It's like showing up to a fourth grade literature class and bringing Umberto Eco novels to study. It's just not going to be very rewarding.

Go see this movie, so long as you check your brain at the door and realize this is more Michael Bay than Steven Spielberg.

Now that I've said that, I want to air a small laundry list of shit they could have fixed with a simple script revision:

1) Megatron's first words should NOT have been, "I am Megatron." They should have been, "I still function."

2) Starscream's voice should have remained either in tact or close.

3) Jon Voight should have been fired and his part should have been eliminated from the script. Then, there needs to be a federal law prohibiting film companies from casting Jon Voight as anything.

4) Megan Fox needs to be seen, not heard.

5) The military stuff needed to be about 1/8th as long as it was.

6) Prime should have said, "Autobots: Transform and rollout," instead of just, "Autobots: rollout."

7) The best moment of the film should have been more original than stealing great moments from a film like "The Iron Giant."

8) The "Allspark" was stupid.

Okay.... I'm getting really nit-picky, so I'll quit while I'm ahead.

So here's the verdict:

Acting: 7 of 10 (all 7 for Shia LeBeouf and Peter Cullen)
Direction: 4 of 10 (which is a perfect 10 for Michael Bay)
Script and Story: 1 of 10
Special Effects: 10 of 10
Enjoyment: 9 of 10

Overall: 6 of 10


Anonymous said...

This review has a lot of sexual tension...Bryan are you gay?

Unknown said...

Only for you, big guy.

... said...

Megatron's first words should have been: "Who gives a fuck, it's a movie about giant robots who blow shit up."

Anonymous said...

I am convinced that "I am Megatron" is the most obvious and best thing that Megatron should have said. But to stay consistent, Shia LeBeouf's First words to Megan Fox should have been "I want to ejaculate in your birth canal!"

Anonymous said...

At least you enjoyed yourself at the movie.. thats more than I would have guessed for you on this one. :)

Transformers plots have always been lame and crappy, why would the movie veer off that course?

I had a blast with this movie. Ive seen it many times. Its a movie that gets you pumped up, and its all based on things I used to like as a kid. You cant beat that. For example.. I hate every car chase in every movie ever made.. until this one. Seeing the decepticon logo on the police car is just way too much fun.

We need mindless popcorn films as much as we do the intellectual mind drainers. Dont be so hard on em... especially when they will be paying my salary for the next 35 years :D


Anonymous said...

Transformas is a 5 star film, iron made is the worst of the autobots and the best is bumble bee.

Unknown said...

It's a movie, its made to make money. while it never stuck to the original, its still very very good.
Imagine trying to capture on film, a cartoon from the 80's , for an audience from the 90's +.
And the robot is IRONHIDE, not IRONMADE!, and we all have our favorites mine was Blackout!

jali blog said...

blog walking..big fans transformers. i like your posting